Liam is not dead - yet. But his heart is broken, because Carla has told him she doesn't love him. He doesn't believe her, but he knows he can't convince her to be with him. "Go back to your wife," she told him, and when Liam replied "She's not my wife!" he really summed up the whole sorry mess he got himself into by marrying Maria in the first place. Maria is pregnant. Liam doesn't know this but Carla does, which is why she changed her mind about running off with him into the sunset.

Another star-crossed couple are Becky and Steve...

Tony Gordon has been prowling around Liam this week like my cat does when he's stalking a moth. My cat is very partial to moths and he has a horrible knack of keeping them alive long enough to extract maximum fun out of them. In a similar vein, Tony invited Malaria (Liam and Maria) and Carla to a swanky hotel in the Peak District, and lured Liam onto a ledge. He wanted to ask Liam a question, he purred menacingly, beckoning the trembling T-shirt vendor towards him. Would Liam be his best man? Not what Liam was expecting, but by then his knees were too trembly to refuse.

Suitably scared...

A lot has gone on this week, and most of it has revolved around that minx Rosie Webster. Tony Gordon invited her to lunch to a posh hotel. Miss Rosie got all dolled up, had some wine, wasn't fazed at all by the lack of fish fingers on the menu, and then lured Tony to a bedroom where she presented herself in her underwear. Even after a few glasses of Pinot Grigio, Tony Gordon was able to resist her girlish charms and told her so in no uncertain terms - he was in love with Carla. Rosie decided revenge was a dish best served straight after the main course, and showed Tony her mobile phone footage of Carla snogging the face off Liam.

Rosie Webster has not been seen since...

It's been a bit of a week for Miss Rosie Webster. First she had to endure a nightmare cab ride from hell (ok, so it was only John Stape ranting while driving, but still), which her family refused to believe had even happened. Then she was invited to some unspecific fashion awards by Tony Gordon and given money for a new outfit. She chose a black skirt and a corset thing from Underworld stock, which got Kevin all riled in a "you're not going out like that" sort of way, but it was actually more modest than most of the stuff she wears for work. It didn't matter, though, as Carla had decided to accompany Tony to the awards (Liam being unavailable for her to play with due to Maria having a gippy tummy) so Rosie was dumped. Then Rosie completed a fun week by letting Kevin know that she'd been leaking his business secrets to Tony. Kevin, who did his best for those girls, is sad, disappointed and angry, and told Rosie that she should try living on her own to find out what real life was like. Words which, I feel, may come back to haunt him soon.

I'm going to be haunted for quite a while...

The Mortons plot thoroughly came to the boil this week. Mel and Teresa bonded when Teresa stopped Mel from doing something she might regret to the girl who hurt Abi. Then Teresa did something she regretted by battering the girl with her shoe - and she only regretted it because she broke her heel and had to fix it with a nail. Then Mel discovered that her ma had been poisoning her pa, and the mother-daughter bonding was over. Mel arrested Teresa (Emma Edmondson was great in these scenes - trying to hide all the disappointment and hurt about her mother behind police procedure and doing the right thing, she always looked on the edge of tears). Jerry wouldn't press charges...

Carla told Liam she didn't want to go through the pain of losing him again (how poignant, as we know Liam will shortly be facing his final curtain), but she couldn't resist investing in his T shirt company and becoming a sleeping partner. She would like to be a sleeping partner with Liam in other senses, too, and he'd probably agree, as he isn't getting much sleep at home, what with Maria's baby-making demands. Meanwhile, Cousin Tom fancies his chances with Carla, which is hilarious - Carla would eat camp Cousin Tom for breakfast and still have room for a nice bowl of Frosties.

She's a man eater...

Jerry Morton spent this week flat on his back in hospital, recovering from brain surgery and from the shock revelation that his ex-wife had been overdosing him with blood-thinning medication. Even worse for Jerry, he'd just decided he loved her as well. Now, understandably, he wants nothing to do with her.

Even more problems for the Morton family when Mel was involved in breaking up a fight at a nightclub, which ended up in her friend Abi being seriously injured.

Sean has had problems, too...

Jerry Morton changed colour over the course of this week, from an almost realistic flesh-tone to the murkiest shade of green, as Teresa continued to spice up his life with added doses of blood-thinning medication. He got weaker and weaker till he fell over and cracked his head, and that's where we've left him for now.

Tony Gordon's third best machinist, Sally Webster, went off on holiday with the rest of her family, wondering whether she'd have a job to return to. Kirk's Julie had been taken on as holiday replacement, and Sally couldn't help thinking she was being edged out as part of Tony's campaign against Kevin.

Chesney waged a little campaign against Stape...

Tina dumped David because he'd been reading her emails. Efforts by Gail and Joe to get their children back together proved futile, as Tina isn't going to be won round so easily. But Gail and Joe got closer anyway. A bit too close, in fact, as Joe informed Gail that the best place for her hands was his waist. Gail simpered prettily.

David and Tina haven't been together that long, but Ken and Deirdre have, and they've certainly had their ups and downs. This week was a down, when Ken got the writing bug and overnight turned into a grizzled, hard-drinking Dylan Thomas caricature. Not nice to live with, and when Deirdre read his typescript (which looked way too short to be a novel to me) she thought the smoking harridan of a female lead was a portrait of her. Arguments ensued...

Dev had his choice of two lovely ladies this week. There was Lisa the accountant - attractive, single, maybe a tad dull. And Nina, whose "come hither" expression had been honed over many a Bollywood movie, so that Dev was unable to resist, never mind that she's married to his new best friend, Prem.

Harry Mason also had his choice of two ladies recently, and plumped for Clarissa, a woman with a face just asking to be slapped. Clarissa and Liz continued to squabble over the boring bookie in a way which had me wondering whether I should just turn off the telly and crack on with sewing name tags into my daughter's new school clothes instead.

A TV first this week - surely the first time a marriage proposal has ever been conducted via the medium of talking fake Faberge eggs. And it was dead romantic, too. Molly and Tyrone are now officially betrothed, so Tyrone should be happy. But of course, he's Tyrone, and he frets about stuff, and now he's fretting about not being able to give Molly a big white wedding. Auntie Pam (who sells knock-off ham) has taken him under her wing and is teaching him how to make money. Since Pam has a business empire consisting of peddling shonky charcuterie from a carrier bag, she may not be the best person to advise, but the Street's leading entrepreneurs are a bit busy. Tony Gordon is plotting to take over the world, and Dev has had a hectic week playing golf and meeting his idol.

Yes, this was the week that Dev's inner love-god was rekindled...

Fiz had a stalker this week. He didn't stalk for long, though, before revealing he was none other than love-rat John Stape. That's the one she was going out with before Christmas. The one she dumped Our Kirk for. The one who was so mature and professional that he couldn't resist Miss Rosie's advances. Fiz gave him the slap he so richly deserved (frankly he had a face just built for slapping even before he looked at Rosie), but I'm very much afraid it's only a matter of time before he can talk her round. He's good with words, you see, he's an English teacher. Oh, no, sorry, he's a cab driver these days. How the mighty have fallen, as Shakespeare didn't say because the Bible did.

Miss Rosie's influence over the Stapester seems to have waned, but she's fairly influential at Underworld...

Right hook of the week award goes to Michelle Connor, who decked Steve in front of a packed Rovers ("more entertaining than a night at the theatre" according to Blanche). This was the culmination of a week in which the hapless pub owner discovered that Lloyd had told Michelle that Steve was planning a romantic Spanish wedding, Steve proposed in the romantic setting of the smoking shelter and stumped up £7,500 for the ring of Michelle's choice, only to discover that she knew he'd been more-or-less forced into proposing in the first place. Michelle has now gone to stay at Carla's and Steve is in the dog-house.

Will any dog-houses be left standing in Coronation Street once Tony Gordon has bought everything up and demolished it to make way for a new, improved Underworld? Kevin Webster is still holding out against the forces of rampant capitalism...

We've seen fights galore on Corrie, we've seen punches, slaps, shovings-downstairs, plunges in the canal. But has there been a bigger "ouch" moment recently that Becky yelling at Roy that "I'm going to laugh at Hayley too because she's an even weirder freak than you!"? It was one of those terrible things that hurts more than a physical blow because it's such a betrayal of trust and friendship. It's going to be hard for the two of them to restore their relationship to what it was, and in the meantime Becky has moved into Grimshaw's Guest House. It's practically standing room only over there at the moment - it looked like Sean and Marcus would be moving out, but then Marcus packed his job in and Sean was sacked from his.

Liz should never have married Vernon. We all knew this - even Liz and Vernon knew this. She wants danger, she wants excitement, she wants adventure, but she will settle for thugs like Jim McDonald or suave types like Harry Mason. What she won't settle for is a bumbling nice guy like Vernon. It took the prospect of running a bar with him to make her mind up, and she hated hurting him, but the deed had to be done. Vernon, who looks like the last puppy left at a dog rescue home at the best of times, was devastated. Liz has taken her matching pink luggage to visit a friend in Jersey to give Vernon time to sort himself out. I hope she packed the factor 30 - I got a very bad sunburn in Jersey once.

Michelle spent half the week rampaging about what Steve had been up to...

It was the end of an era this week. A relatively short era, in Coronation Street terms, but it was the end of it nevertheless. Liam Connor sold his 40% of Underworld to Tony Gordon. Tony is now an even greater knicker magnate than he used to be, and Liam is at home almost literally twiddling his thumbs. And if he thinks that bowing to Carla's blackmailing ways has meant his secret is safe, he can think again. Rosie still has that bit of incriminating footage on her mobile, remember. Tony, meanwhile, has expansion plans. He wants to buy up half of Coronation Street so he can extend the factory. Evil, evil Tony.

David Platt used to be evil, but these days he's fairly sweet. How long it'll last I couldn't say. He got a new job this week...

No-one does a guilty, hang-dog face quite as well as Simon Gregson, and he needed it a lot this week as Steve McDonald kept his fingers and every other crossable part of his anatomy crossed that Michelle would never find out about his liaison with Becky. Even when he heard that Dan Mason had changed his statement and Steve wouldn't therefore be facing prison, he wasn't all that relieved. Spending five years in Strangeways being some hard bloke's bitch probably pales in comparison to the wrath of Michelle Connor. Steve has decided to act just like a person with nothing to hide - he's running off to Spain to visit his brother Andy for a while.

Steve and Dan's petty rivalry ended up in Dan being rushed to hospital with a ruptured spleen. Steve didn't know he was seriously hurt when he locked him in the cellar, but Dan is determined to believe that he did, and Steve spent a night in police cells after being arrested. Hoping for a sympathetic ear, a hug and maybe a choccy biccy from Michelle upon his release, Steve found that his girlfriend was in no mood to be friendly and they had a blazing row. Steve eventually found drunken solace in the arms of drunken Becky Grainger, and what was meant to be a snack of cider and toast (nice) turned into something that's going to cause a whole lot of trouble. It'll be interesting to see how Jason reacts when/if he finds out. Not as keen on Becky as she is on him and terrified of commitment, he's been a bit spineless about telling her.

Someone who's never afraid to call things as she sees them...

Who's got red hair, a big gob and an eye for the main chance? No, it's not Cilla. It's not even Rita. It's Jerry's ex-wife, Teresa. Arriving to take advantage of Jerry's vulnerable state (recovering from heart surgery) she spotted another opportunity in a vague resemblance and an even vaguer friendship between Finlay and Lloyd, and has persuaded Lloyd that he's the boy's father. It didn't take much persuading, to be honest, and Lloyd is already coughing up cash which Teresa is using to buy chocolates and wine.

Becky was all loved-up this week, and didn't even need any chocolates or wine (though chocolate body paint was mentioned). Becky doesn't have a "moderate" setting to any of her emotions, though, and Jason was feeling the full blast of her affection. He told his mum that he liked Becky, but he wished she'd cool things off a bit.

This was the week that a gang of evil, rampaging hoodies tore through Coronation Street wreaking havoc. They were quite lucky that they chose to wreak havoc in Roy's Rolls when Becky wasn't there, otherwise they'd have been hospitalised themselves, but it turned out that it was poor Jerry who was hospitalised after giving chase and suffering a heart attack. His condition is "as well as could be expected." Meanwhile, Norris has had CCTV installed at t'Kabin because he had a visit from the hoodies himself and it fair shook him up. "Did I make you jump?" Ken said, as he came into the shop. "No, the opposite," Norris replied. "Jump then. Is that the opposite of duck?" Ken said. Norris's answer? "The opposite of duck is drake."

Anyway, to get back to these hoodies for a minute...

Liam and Maria are back together again, and have taken Ozzy the dog on a holiday. Just keep Liam away from any precipices, that's all I ask. There is still a ticking bomb in the form of some video footage Rosie Webster got of Liam and Carla kissing, so there's plenty of future scope for Maria to reflect on how "shtupid" she's been.

Liz was almost shtupid this week, when she went for beef casserole and boozy beverages to Harry Mason's flat. She'd had a re-think on the outfit and changed her hot-pants for a more covered-up look, but she was still almost tempted by Harry's charming ways. Vernon, meanwhile...

Little baby Paul Connor was laid to rest. His mum and dad managed to be nice to each other for the funeral, and stood by his grave talking about how things could have been. But things were as they were, and Maria moved out to stay with Fiz, and Liam ended up spending the night with Carla. And Corrie fans seem to be split into two camps, depending on whether you feel Carla is a cold, calculating bitch or that she's a woman in love. I'm in camp two, mainly because you can't blame the woman for being unable to resist Liam (I mean, look at him), and I've never forgiven Maria for shrieking "Lee-urm! Lee-urm!" from a Cumbrian clifftop for what felt like weeks back in January.

If I had to be a fly on the wall in Coronation Street, though...

A sad week in the Street when Liam found out that his baby had died. Maria is still living at Audrey's, and she and Liam seem miles part emotionally as well as geographically. She's withdrawn inside herself, and he's turned to Carla for comfort. One of the saddest scenes was when Maria and Liam were discussing the baby's funeral and that they would name him Paul (after Liam's brother, presumably) as they'd agreed in happier times.

Betty told Ashley that Fred would have been proud of the way he's running the family business. What she doesn't know is that he's seriously in debt. Claire does know this, and she's implemented economy measures. These involve buying unlabelled tins of food from discount supermarkets, and second-hand paperbacks. A bigger plan...

Liam was being really sweet to Maria this week. He bought the baby a Manchester City shirt (ok, not entirely sweet but he meant well) and got a nice dress for Maria. They went to Carla and Tony's for some of Carla's special (read: inedible) lasagne. After this, Maria went home to have indigestion in peace, Tony went to Beijing to get as far away from the washing up as possible and Liam got drunk and stayed on Carla's sofa. The next day, Maria was furious with him for staying out, assuming that he'd succumbed to the Widow Connor's charms. Carla was very pleased to have caused so much bother between the man she lusts after and the woman who is "clingier than a flamin' shower curtain."

Not every street boasts its own sonographer, but Coronation Street has one, and when he turned up for a haircut in t'salon and heard that Maria hadn't felt the baby move for several days, he was concerned and made her go to the hospital for a scan...

Gail was 50 this week (she's going to be 50 all year if you want to be pedantic about it), and her neighbours felt she needed lots of booze, cake and balloons. Considering her son had just been jailed for four months, the only one of these she was truly in the mood for was the booze, but in the end her mother drank most of that.

So what's it like in a Young Offenders' Institute? David's keeping his head down so as not to get in bother with the resident psycho, who is called Bonehead and puts chewing gum on seats. He also has a cellmate called Graeme who is wonderfully weird in small doses but you wouldn't really want to share a bedroom with him.

When Audrey wasn't being drunk this week, she was being disturbed by ghosts from the past...